You know it's going to be a bad day when...

you wake up face down on the pavement.
you call Suicide Rescue and they put you on hold.
you see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
your birthday cake collapses because of the weight of the candles.
your son tells you he wishes that Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
you turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
your twin sister forgot your birthday.
you wake up to discover your water bed broke and realize you don't have a water bed.
your car horn gets stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
your wife wakes up in an amorous mood and you have a headache.
your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
you wake up and your braces are stuck together.
you walk to work and find a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your pants.
you call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
your income tax check bounces.
you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
your pet rock snaps at you.
your wife says "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.

(I ran across a dot matrix print out from my old Apple ][ computer today.
So as you can guess, some of these are outdated. Some, unfortunately, are not.)